I mean, it should be obvious, right? Marriage brings us together. Literally, physically, emotionally and sometimes even spiritually. Or, it should.
Marriage has the potential to be the most rewarding experience of your life. Some have described it as a permanent sleepover with your best friend. But it can also be contentious enough to make your whole life miserable. In that sense, some have described it as hell. So why the vast incongruence in how different people experience it?
If I could answer this question, I would probably be a millionaire. But I'm not. So don't go into this article thinking that at the end of it is the secret to a lifelong, happy marriage. It won't be there.
You see, like any other marriage, mine has ups that are similar to experiencing heaven on earth. It also has major downs which make me want to run for the hills and never look back. And I've been told this is normal. Recently, we experienced a "low point." Not quite a run away point, but most certainly not a happy moment for us. It didn't last long, and soon we were best buddies again. But after that particular issue was resolved, I decided that the best way to remain in a happy marriage, as opposed to a boring or miserable one, was to work to make sure there are more ups than downs. Sounds simple enough. Perhaps too much so.
Being a "fixer," I decided to attempt to figure out what made our "ups" higher than our "averages" and "lows," and what made our "lows" so miserable. What makes us blissfully happy at certain points when we want to kill each other at others? What makes being together so much fun some of the times when at other times it feels stifling?
I started brainstorming using my limited experience of marriage, books I've read on the topic and random pieces of advice everyone gets before they tie the knot. I came up with quite a few things. Forgiveness, communication, honesty etc. We all know the drill. And those are all true. You must learn to forgive each other. You must communicate with each other. You must be honest with each other. But as I vaguely hinted at previously, above all, or rather, encompassing all, you must treat your spouse as your best friend. Let's break this down.
With your best friend, if they do something stupid, you forgive them, love on them and move on. Whenever you're having a problem, need someone to vent to, or have exciting news, you tell your best friend. If they are about to make a horrible life decision or if they did something that really hurt your feelings, you are honest with them and speak up about it. Then, you forgive them. Why do you do these things? Because you value them as a person, you value their friendship. You care about what happens to them personally and your relationship with them because you love them.
Can we all say these same things about our marriages? Do we go to our spouse first when we need to chat or when you see an issue arising? Are you honest with them when they do something that hurts you, and do you then willingly forgive them? Do you truly care about what happens to them and your relationship with them because you love them? Not because of what they provide for you (security, a home, food, love, sex etc.) but only because you love them?
It's a lot harder than it sounds. There's an old saying "familiarity breeds contempt." As a married couple living together, we get veeery familiar with each other. And it takes a lot of work to keep that contempt and resentment from happening. You have to work to stay best friends. The day you got married, it didn't seem so hard, but maybe 6 months, 6 years or maybe 26 years down the road... well, that's a different story.
How do you as a couple keep from resenting each other over small details but instead view your marriage as the ultimate best-friendship?
(+10 internet points if you got the movie reference in the title, by the way.)
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Embrace the Differences!
I grew up with a very limited concept of what music is. Being part of a conservative family and even more conservative church meant that our listening options were mostly classical music, conservative Christian music and a few oldies (think Nat King Cole type of oldies.) As I got older, things became more flexible and we were able to incorporate some other artists, although even those we considered "borderline" are considered conservative to most of the outside world (think Josh Groban, Celine Dion, Il Divo, Il Volo etc.) Thus, even though I was and am a musician of sorts, my understanding of music were stringent and incredibly limited.
Enter the teenage years. If there is a teenager out there who did not rebel in some way, I would like to talk to you personally. Music was one of my areas of rebellion. I was figuring out that there were many other different kinds of music that I had never experienced before. I wanted to hear it all. And I did. I listened to just about every genre out there, and ate it all up. I discovered many different cultures of the world by listening to their music. I experienced the harshness of the life of many inner-city kids by listening to rap. I felt the pain of lost love by listening to jazz. I danced along with the islanders of reggae.
I knew that my forbidden love of world music could never be understood by those enforcing the strict music-listening regulations, but I could not for the life of me understand why all these other cultures were "off limits." I mean, I knew all the lingo about the Devil using rock and roll to corrupt people and make them do drugs and have sex, but I didn't ever actually understand how they came to that conclusion. Throughout the ages, new music, specifically secular music, has been rejected by religious conservatives. At one point, even the organ was considered "too worldly" for church services. I saw along my Christian peers, and often still see, a fear of change and progress. But even more so, I saw a fear of DIFFERENCES.
"Well, that's different." When we hear that phrase, generally it's not being used in support of said "different" thing. It's usually used to implicate that something is not good because it is different. Something unexpected. Something that has been changed. No longer the status quo. We as humans tend to HATE change. We like pattern and routine. We like what we are used to. And sometimes, we're used to good things. We like good things. But that doesn't make them the only good things.
Let me explain. There's a certain artist that my spouse enjoys listening to. I dislike this artist and most of the music he produces. However, I acknowledge that there is still musical merit to this artist's music, even though I do not enjoy it. The music is not bad simply because I don't enjoy it. It's different than my preferences, but that doesn't make it any less valid. Get where I'm going with this?
There are a lot of things that we as humans don't like. It's in our nature to enjoy certain activities, while not at all enjoying others. It's also human nature to have different likes and dislikes from even those we are closest to. Our differences are what make our communities unique. The problem arises when we deem something bad simply because it is different than what we like.
I did not aesthetically enjoy all the different genres of music I listened to as a teenager and college student, but I learned to appreciate other cultures and people because of their music. Their self-expression in song was what they felt represented who they were, and when we invalidate someone's expression of self, we are invalidating them as a person. Keeping an open mind when experiencing different cultures is key to being able to understand people, their struggles, their pain, their love and, ultimately, their lives.
So my challenge to you this week is to experience something that's different than your norm. Outside your comfort zone. Discover a new aspect of the human experience you haven't checked out before. This could be a different kind of music, food, reading material or art. Get outside of yourself and discover someone else!
Enter the teenage years. If there is a teenager out there who did not rebel in some way, I would like to talk to you personally. Music was one of my areas of rebellion. I was figuring out that there were many other different kinds of music that I had never experienced before. I wanted to hear it all. And I did. I listened to just about every genre out there, and ate it all up. I discovered many different cultures of the world by listening to their music. I experienced the harshness of the life of many inner-city kids by listening to rap. I felt the pain of lost love by listening to jazz. I danced along with the islanders of reggae.
I knew that my forbidden love of world music could never be understood by those enforcing the strict music-listening regulations, but I could not for the life of me understand why all these other cultures were "off limits." I mean, I knew all the lingo about the Devil using rock and roll to corrupt people and make them do drugs and have sex, but I didn't ever actually understand how they came to that conclusion. Throughout the ages, new music, specifically secular music, has been rejected by religious conservatives. At one point, even the organ was considered "too worldly" for church services. I saw along my Christian peers, and often still see, a fear of change and progress. But even more so, I saw a fear of DIFFERENCES.
"Well, that's different." When we hear that phrase, generally it's not being used in support of said "different" thing. It's usually used to implicate that something is not good because it is different. Something unexpected. Something that has been changed. No longer the status quo. We as humans tend to HATE change. We like pattern and routine. We like what we are used to. And sometimes, we're used to good things. We like good things. But that doesn't make them the only good things.
Let me explain. There's a certain artist that my spouse enjoys listening to. I dislike this artist and most of the music he produces. However, I acknowledge that there is still musical merit to this artist's music, even though I do not enjoy it. The music is not bad simply because I don't enjoy it. It's different than my preferences, but that doesn't make it any less valid. Get where I'm going with this?
There are a lot of things that we as humans don't like. It's in our nature to enjoy certain activities, while not at all enjoying others. It's also human nature to have different likes and dislikes from even those we are closest to. Our differences are what make our communities unique. The problem arises when we deem something bad simply because it is different than what we like.
I did not aesthetically enjoy all the different genres of music I listened to as a teenager and college student, but I learned to appreciate other cultures and people because of their music. Their self-expression in song was what they felt represented who they were, and when we invalidate someone's expression of self, we are invalidating them as a person. Keeping an open mind when experiencing different cultures is key to being able to understand people, their struggles, their pain, their love and, ultimately, their lives.
So my challenge to you this week is to experience something that's different than your norm. Outside your comfort zone. Discover a new aspect of the human experience you haven't checked out before. This could be a different kind of music, food, reading material or art. Get outside of yourself and discover someone else!
The Beginning of Betterment
I sat in my living room staring at the computer screen. It wasn't doing anything; I wasn't chatting with anyone; nothing new was going on. And yet, there I was, just sitting there. My kids were asleep for their afternoon nap, and I felt as though I had earned some well-deserved down time. And for the moment, that meant doing nothing. Literally, nothing.
Suddenly, I snapped out of my computer-screen-glow-induced brain deadness and realized how foolish I was being. Sure, every stay at home mom deserves a few minutes of relaxed breathing. But is it really necessary to turn your brain to mush for an hour or two? Is that really the only way to grab some "me time?" I decided to look at my definition of "me time" and discovered it was very flawed. How about instead of vegging out during nap time, I spend that time learning something new. For me. Something I was interested in. Or maybe trying something new? Just for me. To better me, not just as a mom, wife and friend (although that should be our aim in 99.9% of what we do, but that's another post...) but for ME.
When I turned from a college aged kid into an adult, I realized I needed to "rediscover" who I was. Not some mystical, journey-filled experience that requires tons of time, cash and patience from those you love you. Not that that's always bad. But that's not at all what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about rediscovering how who you are fits into your current, evolving life. How your loves, areas of expertise and interests fit in to what kind of person you are becoming. How you can be a better spouse, friend, church member, neighbor. A better you. And how by bettering yourself, you can better your family, community, marriage, church and friend circle.
I also learned that there are many areas of life out there that I had not the faintest idea how to even carry on an intelligent conversation about. I wanted to change that. I wanted to broaden my horizons, expand my mind and become a better me. And I did't want to do it alone. So I'm bringing some friends along with me for the journey. We'll learn about basic economics, music, parenting, community living, politics, life experiences, food, charity work and hopefully many more things. Come along with us and be part of our Betterment Project!
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