Marriage is what brings us together (today)

I mean, it should be obvious, right? Marriage brings us together. Literally, physically, emotionally and sometimes even spiritually. Or, it should.

Marriage has the potential to be the most rewarding experience of your life. Some have described it as a permanent sleepover with your best friend. But it can also be contentious enough to make your whole life miserable. In that sense, some have described it as hell. So why the vast incongruence in how different people experience it?

If I could answer this question, I would probably be a millionaire. But I'm not. So don't go into this article thinking that at the end of it is the secret to a lifelong, happy marriage. It won't be there.

You see, like any other marriage, mine has ups that are similar to experiencing heaven on earth. It also has major downs which make me want to run for the hills and never look back. And I've been told this is normal. Recently, we experienced a "low point." Not quite a run away point, but most certainly not a happy moment for us. It didn't last long, and soon we were best buddies again. But after that particular issue was resolved, I decided that the best way to remain in a happy marriage, as opposed to a boring or miserable one, was to work to make sure there are more ups than downs. Sounds simple enough. Perhaps too much so.

Being a "fixer," I decided to attempt to figure out what made our "ups" higher than our "averages" and "lows," and what made our "lows" so miserable. What makes us blissfully happy at certain points when we want to kill each other at others? What makes being together so much fun some of the times when at other times it feels stifling?

I started brainstorming using my limited experience of marriage, books I've read on the topic and random pieces of advice everyone gets before they tie the knot. I came up with quite a few things. Forgiveness, communication, honesty etc. We all know the drill. And those are all true. You must learn to forgive each other. You must communicate with each other. You must be honest with each other. But as I vaguely hinted at previously, above all, or rather, encompassing all, you must treat your spouse as your best friend. Let's break this down.

With your best friend, if they do something stupid, you forgive them, love on them and move on. Whenever you're having a problem, need someone to vent to, or have exciting news, you tell your best friend. If they are about to make a horrible life decision or if they did something that really hurt your feelings, you are honest with them and speak up about it. Then, you forgive them. Why do you do these things? Because you value them as a person, you value their friendship. You care about what happens to them personally and your relationship with them because you love them.

Can we all say these same things about our marriages? Do we go to our spouse first when we need to chat or when you see an issue arising? Are you  honest with them when they do something that hurts you, and do you then willingly forgive them? Do you truly care about what happens to them and your relationship with them because you love them? Not because of what they provide for you (security, a home, food, love, sex etc.) but only because you love them?

It's a lot harder than it sounds. There's an old saying "familiarity breeds contempt." As a married couple living together, we get veeery familiar with each other. And it takes a lot of work to keep that contempt and resentment from happening. You have to work to stay best friends. The day you got married, it didn't seem so hard, but maybe 6 months, 6 years or maybe 26 years down the road... well, that's a different story.

How do you as a couple keep from resenting each other over small details but instead view your marriage as the ultimate best-friendship?

(+10 internet points if you got the movie reference in the title, by the way.)